Monday musings. Okay, Tuesday morning. Okay, Saturday morning.
On my ride home from work, I saw a billboard paying tribute to Matthew Perry. The tagline was, “The One Where Our Hearts Break,” and it reminded me of his incredible talent but also got me thinking of my favorite moments from the show. Then, as my thoughts do, they wandered into the nature of my friendships, all friendships.
I have recently (and frequently) discussed all of the roles that I play in my life -on any given day. Aside from being Dad, Father or Padre (a role I am still learning), one role I relish is the role of friend.
But how do you define friendship? It is sort of like trying to define love. Artists, poets, scientists and scholars have all tried to concretize love. The Greeks, The Beatles and even my colleague Mark Dursin wrote extensively trying to capture the essence of love. At some level, the concept of friendship is just as elusive.
Buddy System
Are you my buddy? A buddy is someone who you know for a short time and in a specific situation. I remember taking field trips to Eastbury, a man-made pond which was chlorinated, but also quite murky. I learned to swim there, so I knew the lay of the land…water. I also knew about the treacherous dock.
On all of our field trips, especially that involved aquatics, we all were assigned a “buddy,” and we always had to be cognizant of where your partner was, and when the whistle blew, you had to lock hands and raise them upright.
One afternoon, I was frolicking between the shallow end and the deep end drop-off, and the whistle blew. I looked around, but could not find my buddy. After a few frantic seconds, I spotted him beneath the dock. His suit was stuck on one of the styrofoam buoys. * Happy ending. The guards and counselors were able to easily free him, and although shaken, he was not injured in any way.
I do not remember his name, but he was a “buddy,” and he counted on me, and we touched at formative points.
*This is how we learned to swim. Loose bubble that would turn you over and hold you under. Yikes.
In Russia
“Pals,” share a similar diluted strength to “buddies.” You can have a pal at the gym, or a work pal, or pals from classes, but outside those environments, they occupy little time and little headspace. If you are incarcerated, you are not calling your, “pal.”
“Comrades,” seems exclusive to being engaged in a life-altering conflict where death is part of the equation. I call my fellow teachers, but never “comrades.” We may have the same revolutionary goals in mind and the same collective energy, but the struggle is not life or death (although some may disagree).
Maybe, I am just fatigued of playing Russians, and the word “comrade,” always takes me to Gorky Park. Consequently, I have very few comrades.
Hey, Bro.
Due to its prevalence and importance, there are probably hundreds of words for friends, and if I am going to be a good one, I cannot discuss them all. The latest slang (in the schools anyway) is calling everyone “bro.” Whether you are close or not, and regardless of sex or gender identity, everyone is a “bro.” Annoying and egregiously inaccurate.
In contemplation of the ubiquitous, cursory expression of “bro,” I started thinking of how friendships are formed and maintained. I also pondered how one becomes a BFF, best friend forever. Life is constantly changing, so forever seems like a long time to carry that superlative.
“Marking” Time
I have childhood friends. Even before the social experiment called public schooling was in full gear, I met a friend I have had for fifty years. Mark and I lived in the same neighborhood, and were both victims of its dysfunction. We went to high school together, then college, and participated in each other’s weddings.
Mark and I are still true friends even through all the vicissitudes of life. He is my brother, not my “bro.” Time, however, is not the only factor in friendship. An old adage states, it is not the days in your life, but the life in your days.” This holds true for friendship.
I have wonderful friends from college who have always had my back. One of my friends Scott instituted a daily interaction during Covid called, “Clip of the Day,” and it has allowed for us to be in constant communication even though we are spread around the country. One of those friends is named Mark.
The other benefit of this interaction is that it affords the opportunity to discuss life and speak our mind without stress, without judgment. One major aspect of lasting friendship is tolerance for differing views, habits and personalities. Opposites may attract, but understanding makes it stick.
Lastly, friendships are not only built on frivolity and social interaction, but in the workplace. I had the good fortune of working in career for over 25 years with some of the nicest, smartest, funniest, most grounded folks I have ever met. They are literally the “salt of the earth, ” and they add true flavor to my life. One of those friends is named Mark. Random pattern or self-fulfilling prophecy?
“Facing” the Facts
Friendships can be defined in myriad ways, and can develop from the oddest of circumstances. The difficult part is how to maintain these relationships when distance, discord or disillusionment enter the picture. I don’t have a great answer. I can only parrot what my best friend and confidante Eileen says, “Sometimes people come into your life and have an impact just for a short time.”
Intellectually, I understand this all too well, but I am stubborn. An Italian Aries who has a tough time letting go, especially to people who have held my hand and touched my heart.
Facebook has redefined friends as anyone you have met and recognize who is willing to accept a request. I have recently received many “friend requests” from complete strangers. Friendship is not a tally stick or a game of numbers. It also does not need validation from Mark Zuckerberg. Another Mark!
I have wonderful, rewarding friendships, and frustratingly, not enough time to foster them all in the way I desire. I guess I take solace in the fact that all of my friends know I am doing my best. I don’t care what you think Mark Zuckerberg. You are not my friend. You are not even my “bro.”
Love and laughter,
P.