Food Focus Friday – Mistakes Were Made

Mistakes were made. This is one of my brother’s favorite phrases when expectations are not met, or when a well-conceived plan ends up going sideways. You can also apply it broadly to overall dissatisfaction to soften the harsh vicissitudes of life.

I thought I had made a mistake by focusing solely on food topics during my Friday posts. How can I come up with topics every single week? Then, I thought about some food related advice. Never go to the supermarket hungry. This cannot be a truer statement of wisdom. When I go to the supermarket hungry, I tend to spend 40% more. Who really needs a jug of cheese balls? Actually, who am I kidding? I am always hungry.

We are a culture of food and food consumption. I cannot count the amount of restaurants in the Myrtle Beach area, and locals have told me straight out, “You will never get to all of them.” There are lines at the doors of many of them as earlier as 3:30 for dinner, when most close between 2 -4 to get ready for the onslaught. We have a television network devoted to food. Therefore, when I begin to think of topics related to food, I am the shopper with the rumbling stomach.

Today, I was going to talk about fast food and the concept of originality, but I feel that jives with next week’s Musings more cogently. Also, I like being on top of as many “stories” as I can and “bitching” as much as I can. I will take care of the latter, first.

Candy is Dandy, Not Always

Anyone who knows me, knows I have a sweet tooth. As mentioned before, with different verbiage, I have an everything tooth, except sour. I hate lemon. I love sweets especially as the cap on a hearty, savory meal. I also like ice cream, cookies, cakes, and pastries any time I can get them. I bought the Haagen Dazs butter cookie cones. How could they not be delicious? Cookie, ice cream, chocolate. Sorry, folks, they are not good. The cookie taste is overwhelming and off-putting. Mistakes were made.

I also love candy. My favorite treats are Take 5, Almond Joy, Hershey’s with Almonds, and the Hershey’s Nuggets and Miniatures. If you like special dark, stop by, because they, like the blue M & M peanuts, will be waiting for you at the bottom of the dish. I try to save money by buying the big snack size variety packs, but there is always an outlier mixed with my favorites. One of my favorite mixes contains the Peppermint Patty. They will be waiting for you as well. I don’t like Junior Mints either, so I am not sure why I love mint chocolate chip ice cream. Quizzical. Mistakes were made.

One summer, I was at Barnes & Noble, trying to find some enjoyable, readable texts for literature circles that were being implemented in all ninth grade classes. I stumbled upon a book written by then Boston College teacher Steve Almond. I am not making this up. He wrote a book called Candy Freak about his obsession with candy and the unfair monopolization of the industry. A great read. As it was over 15 years ago, I cannot recall his list of missteps, but he has inspired me to create my own.

Candy Buttons. – Fine if you like eating paper with your food. Why not keep the wrappers on all your food…because it’s disgusting.

Bit O’ Honey – Sticks to your teeth

Tootsie Roll – Sticks to your teeth.

JuJy Fruits. – Sticks to your teeth and could contain black licorice. Double Whammy.

Candy Necklaces, Sweet Tarts, Gobstoppers, and Jaw Breakers – Break your teeth and apparently your jaw.

Sour Patch Kids, Sour Worms, Sour Anything. See my note on sour. I would be more inclined to eat a candy with a umami taste than sour.

Marshmallow Peeps – They taste like if you dropped your toasting marshmallow in the dirt, and then threw caution to the wind and ate it. The fact that they resemble baby chickens does not help their appeal.

Mistakes were made.

The medal stand:

Necco Wafers – They come in similar packaging to Life Savers or if you were rolling change to supplement your slush fund. I don’t know what they are made of, or how they get them different colors, but on a good day, they taste like medicine, and on a bad day, they taste like pennies.

Candy Corn – I was only a year old counting backwards when I realized that they are called candy corn because if you stack them, they resemble corn on the cob. Now, I often crave processed foods that are close to plastic. Hot Pockets, Cheese in a Can, Twinkies, but I do not want to eat plastic, purposefully. Candy corn tastes like plastic, and to add insult to injury, the manufacturers decided to condense this horrid taste into denser candy pumpkins. Glad they only come out on Halloween as they are horrifying.

And the gold medal goes to…

CIRCUS PEANUTS – More like packing peanuts. I do not even believe there is any food in these. Marketing is cool. Kids love the circus. Kids love peanuts. Word association. Elephants love peanuts. Elephants in the circus. Kids love elephants. You know what kids don’t love? These circus peanuts. If you want to get the taste, bite into a foam pool noodle. If you want to get the nutritional value, bite into a brick.

Mistakes were made

America Runs on Drunkin’

As stated, I was not going to write about this, but felt compelled. Dunkin’ (previously Dunkin’ Donuts) has entered the adult beverage industry. They have created a line of Spiked Coffees. I will need to investigate this more, but here are some quick takeaways.

• Dunkin’ decided to stop making their donuts on premises and have them made in bulk and then delivered frozen to the individual stores. The donuts are passable, but they often run low of certain favorites, and they have no real shelf life. If the company itself changes their name to remove their signature product, it does not show much faith.
• The above name change necessitated a change to the minor league baseball team The Hartford Yard Goats’ stadium. More cost for a park that already was delayed and went over budget.
• Microwaved eggs are not good
• People used to cross traffic to get fresh Krispy Kremes when they saw that Pavlovian red light. Then, the company decided to put them in retail stores. Mistake. They are good, but stay in your lane.
• How many more vices can we sell? I understand this requires much more discussion, so I will leave it at this. Marijuana has been legalized. We already spend billions on alcohol, vaping, and coffee, itself. Why not take our cravings and just mix and match. We will have our cigarettes taste like candy, and our coffee with a shot. A TRULY bad idea.

I know that America runs on Dunkin (sans Donuts), but if this new trend takes off, they will be stumbling as well. I sure hope they are not going to offer this in the drive-thru.

Going Out Shout Out

I guess I will stay on the donut train. I love donuts. I used to eat a half dozen at one sitting, when I was eight. My mother’s and a first world problem. Like pizza, they tend to be a more affordable way to feed the masses, so they tend to be a go-to during EEWF’s in classrooms. An EEWF is an educational experience with food. Parties are prohibited in my former school. The best aspect of classroom donuts is there are always some left. I like poaching the remaining stock when they hit the workroom. I eat half at a time, trying desperately to convince myself that I will not eat the entire thing, while rationalizing that there are less calories that way.

Well, as a donut lover, Eileen’s Aunt Carol, a longtime resident of Georgetown, told me I had to visit Parlor Doughnuts in Pawley’s Island. Thank you, Carol, Thank you.

Parlor serves “layered” donuts, more like two donuts stacked on top of one another but with the airy consistency of fried dough. Some of their flavors are French Toast, Dreamsicle, Strawberry Shortcake and Bourbon Caramel. They also have creative choices like Carnival and Sandy Beach. I will add a picture with all of their unique concoctions.

I tried only two, and the helpful staff provided suggestions for my first time. I tried Sandy Beach, a cinnamon sugared delight, and the Strawberry Shortcake. Both were just enough sweetness and filling. Not so filling that I did not get two for later. That night, I tried the Peanut Butter Cup and the Maple Bacon. To be fair, the Maple Bacon was scrumptious, but the Cup was too rich and too sloppy. I had left it in the car while we shopped, and even refrigeration could not save it from becoming a dripping mess. Mistakes were made.

Even with that setback, I have made it a mission to try all of their flavors and bring any donut lover who visits me, to the shop. I would suggest going during off times as the morning is pretty crazy, but any wait is worth it.

Lastly, the doughnuts (and I emphasize the dough) drop in price the more you purchase. My wallet and my waistline thank you.

Join me tomorrow for Sports Shorts Saturday,

Love, laugher and gastronomic bliss.

P.